There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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