He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
