so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
