Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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