I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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