Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Randomize
