He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
