And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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