I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
