so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
