I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
