Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
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