I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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