wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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