I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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