i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Randomize
