She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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