I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
