what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
