True but thats because hes a fetus.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
