Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
