I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
