Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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