omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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