I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
