Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
