she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Of course I have a pirate flag
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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