Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
