My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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