I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
