just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I need a burrito and a hug.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Randomize
