I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
