i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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