sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
