he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
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