my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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