Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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