Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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