My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
