i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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