I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
