I haven't been this sober since birth.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
