i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
