Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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