that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
