She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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