I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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