Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
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