So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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