One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
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