listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
