I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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