I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
