I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
