I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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