i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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