I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
