Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
