i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
