Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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