Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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