we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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